Recently, I have been studying up on the work of clinical psychologist and developer of Emotionally Focused Couple's Therapy, Dr. Sue Johnson. In her book, "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love," Dr. Johnson explains that the basis of Emotionally Focused Couple's Therapy is encouraging couples to be emotionally responsive to each other through seven key conversations aimed to help create safe connections. Dr. Johnson identifies three components of emotional responsiveness through the acronym A.R.E.:
Accessibility: Can I reach you?
Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?
Engagement: Do I know you will value me and stay close?
These are the questions that we are all silently asking the ones we love most, desperately hoping the answer to be a resounding "yes" to all three. Dr. Johnson explains that what most often stands in the way of being able to remain accessible, responsive and engaged with our loved ones are the patterns of interaction we tend to operate within.
In the first conversation of Emotionally Focused Couple's Therapy, "Recognizing the Demon Dialogues," Dr. Johnson identifies three primary patterns of interaction that prevent us from safely connecting with our loved ones. Take a look and see if you can put your finger on the one that most often occurs in your relationship:
1. Find the Bad Guy: This pattern is defined by mutual attack, accusation or blame. Partners see each other in a negative light and begin reacting to each other in anger and anticipating each other's put-downs, often competing to take the first verbal strike.
2. The Protest Polka: One partner reaches out in an attempt to connect, and the other steps back to create distance. Each step of this dance reinforces the other. The pursuit of one partner leads to the withdrawal of the other...which leads to more persistent attempts to connect from the first and subsequently an even greater effort to withdraw from the second.
3.Freeze and Flee: This pattern tends to evolve from The Protest Polka as both partners shut down as a response to their loss of connection and the helplessness they feel concerning how to restore it. There may even be a spirit of politeness and an end to the fighting. This is not a sign of health, however, as both partners have emotionally disengaged at this point.
As disheartening as it may be to read about the above patterns and see them played out within your relationship, here is the good news...You are not the problem! Your loved one is not the problem! The pattern is the problem! Once you identify the pattern that most threatens the health of your relationship, you can begin learning how to interact with each other in a manner that promotes emotional safety and connection in your relationship as you strive to remain accessible, responsive and engaged. For more information about how to do this, I encourage you to pick up a copy of Dr. Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love."